


Blind Faith

by Nigaki



Series: Tamed West [3]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Chapter 3: Clemens Point (Red Dead Redemption 2), Established Relationship, Gay Cowboys, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Murder, never heared of her, tuberculosis?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:35:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23535403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nigaki/pseuds/Nigaki
Summary: John sees Arthur prepering to leave the camp. He wants to go with him but Arthur has to ride with Dutch and Micah to protect them during meeting with Colm. He promises John that they will go hutning together when he comes back in the evening.But Arthur doesn't return and and John is worried.
Relationships: John Marston/Arthur Morgan
Series: Tamed West [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585225
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Blind Faith

**Author's Note:**

> I'm forever bitter with the lack of John's reaction to Arthur's kidnapping. You would expect he would be one of the first gang members to run to Arthur when he finally arrives, but instead we got Karen and Mary-Beth. I love both of those ladies but this is some joke to include their reaction but not John's who grew up with Arthur and cares very much about him. So i wrote it myself with added gay romance. Because why not.
> 
> This is acctually my first Morston fic I've ever wrote.

_Blind faith we have in you_   
_Invisible_   
_Which direction do we choose_   
_Predictable_   
_Give us something we can use_   
_Desirable_   
_Cause you've done all you can do_   
_Regrettable_

  
***

John was standing at the shore smoking a cigarette when he heard raised voices coming from the camp. He was too far to understand words but he recognized the voices of Dutch and Micah. They argued about something, probably about some next robbery. Whatever that was, John wasn’t interested and finished his cigarette before getting back to the camp.

The argument was over and its participants were nowhere in sight. John walked to his tent to take nap before his night watch that was unfortunately assigned to him that day. He changed directions when he noticed Arthur preparing some guns in his own tent.

“You going hunting?” John asked him, stopping near the shaving kit Arthur possessed and looked at the guns laid out on the bed. “Can I come with you? It’s been a while since we go somewhere together.”

Arthur turned towards him, clearly interested but despite that, he shook his head. John tried no to show how disappointed he was by that and he most likely failed. He and Arthur hadn’t had any free time for each other in a long time, there was always something to do. He missed their rides when hidden in the middle of nowhere they didn’t have to worry about anyone catching them kissing or doing something more intimate.

Those rendezvouses of theirs where the only opportunities for closeness and tender moments. They weren’t safe anywhere else. Kisses in the cheeks and holding hands could be explained as a normal, close friendship between two man, but everything else would lead them to the gallows. Especially in little towns.

So they were hiding and taking any opportunities whenever they could, but those chances were becoming less and less frequent. John didn’t even care about sex, he just wanted to make some fire in the woods and sit there with Arthur enjoying the peace and calmness of the nature. Was it too much to ask?

“I’m not going hunting,” Arthur explained, packing more ammunition to his satchel. “Pearson talked with some o’driscolls. Colm wants to bury the hatchet apparently and Micah got very excited about it.”

“Colm wants peace?” It sounded too good to be true. “Colm O’Driscoll. It’s obviously a trap.”

“Hosea thinks that too. And so do I.”

“But?”

There has to be at least one ‘but’.

“But Micah convinced Dutch to check it so we’re going to meat Colm,” Arthur finished and put the rifle on his back.

“That’s madness.” John had a bad feeling about this. “It won’t end well, I’m coming with you.”

There was no way he was going to let them ride alone, right into Colm’s hands. If it’s a trap, Micah, Dutch and Arthur won’t make it alive, there’ll be to little of them to fight back the whole bunch of Colm’s boys.

“No, you’re staying in the camp.”

“But…”

“If it’s really just a pact to stop the fights between our gangs, it’ll be better if there aren’t that many of us to not make them feel threatened,” Arthur explained, placing his hand on John’s chest. The younger man had no idea his breath was so shallow and quick.

“And if it’s a trap, you may not be able to protect yourself,” he noticed. “You can die.”

With their style of life, they could die anytime and because of everything, but that never stopped them from worrying about each other whenever they went to do something dangerous. It was stronger than them.

“I won’t even be in the middle of confrontation,” Arthur assured him, shifting his hand to John’s shoulder and shrugging one of his own, the one where the rifle was. “That’s why I have this, I’m supposed to watch the meeting from the higher ground. If anything happens, I’ll be able to keep an eye on everything. Colm and his boys won’t even see me.”

It calmed John only a little, the risk was still too high. But he had to trust Dutch and Arthur’s skills, the older man was in many dangerous situations before and he came out of them alive or without even a single scratch.

“You promise?”

Arthur looked behind John to see if anyone’s looking before kissing John lips lightly and so quick the younger man wasn’t even sure if that happened.

“I promise,” Arthur said with a smile. “We should be back in the evening, I won’t even take the saddle of my horse, we could go hunting right away, just you and me, what do you say?”

The suggestive way Arthur said ‘hunting’ was enough to convince John. He smiled back at the older man and nodded, letting him out of the tent. He was still worried about this plan, Colm was the last person to make peace with. Even lawman were a better choice but if Dutch was convinced this plan will work, John had no other choice but to accept it and wait for him, Micah and Arthur to return.

All three left the camp few minutes after the talk between John and Arthur. John watched them leaving, filled with worry he couldn’t control. Only when they left his line of sight he could breathe again and decided to find himself something to do.

Ever since he was old enough to help the gang with robberies, John stopped helping in the kitchen but now, to kill some time, he sat down beside Mary-Beth and started peeling potatoes with her. They talked a little during this, mostly about the Colm. It seemed like Hosea, Arthur and him weren’t they only one who had bad feeling about this, Mary-Beth was worried as well, about the meeting and if the three man will even return.

John wasn’t calm himself, but he still tried to assure his friend everything will be alright, and after peeling half of the potatoes along with their skin, he went to search for another thing to do, already counting the time for his lover’s return. If Arthur and he are supposed to leave after the older man’s return, John had to have everything ready. He didn’t want to sit in the camp longer than necessary when the whole day with Arthur was waiting for him.

He quickly found Kieran, who after doing his daily chores was now trying to find a good spot for fishing. John interrupted him and told the scared boy to prepare Old Boy. Very thoroughly. Kieran didn’t even protest, he was terrified of John so he immediately left his fishing rod and rushed towards the horses to make sure the stallion is ready for the evening.

When that was done, John went to talk with Lenny to convince him to take the night guard from him. Thankfully, the boy agreed with no problem so now John had a replacement, all he heeded to do was wait.

They will certainly come back with some hunted animal to make their trip more authentic, but just to be sure, John prepared weapons and some baits with the help of Hosea who was very happy about his two boys leaving the camp to enjoy life. Sometimes John had a feeling that Hosea knew about his and Arthur’s relationship, but he was never sure. Hosea never talked about it, didn’t even suggest anything but he was so observant John wouldn’t be surprised if he really knew.

Kieran came to him after an hour and announced Old Boy is ready for the longer ride. John judged this himself. The horse was clean, his hooves as well, the saddle was cleaned and saddlebags were organized.

The boy done a good so John let him go fishing finally. Kieran run away and John hadn’t seen him till evening when he went to the lake to clean up a little. He rarely washed out of his own will, usually Susan needed to force him, dragging him to the water and giving him a bar of soap. Because of the trip he decided himself it’s time to wash. Spending time with Arthur was always more pleasant when they were both clean.

As usual, he was very hesitant when going into water, choosing the shallow waters to not drown. His bath interrupted Kieran’s fishing. The boy grabbed his things, including the fishes he caught and left, leaving John alone.

The sun was setting already when he got out of the water and dressed in clean clothes. Everything was ready, now the last minutes of waiting. He sat down near the main fire and lit a cigarette to pass some time. He managed to smoke three before he saw horses trotting among the trees towards the camp. Moments later, Dutch and Micah arrived in the clearing.

John felt his blood turning into ice.

Arthur wasn’t back. There were only these two, safe and sound, but one person was missing.

He jumped from his place by the fire and rushed towards Micah and Dutch, but Hosea was faster.

“Where’s Arthur?” he asked both man. John stopped behind him and stared at the trees, hoping that Arthur just stayed in the back to make sure no one followed them. 

Dutch dismounted and froze. He looked at Micah first and then at Hosea who was still waiting for the answer.

“He’s not in the camp?”

That was a question. Dutch didn’t know where Arthur was. John felt sick.

“Do you see his horse anywhere?”

Arthur’s mare was easy to spot with her coat as white as the snow he found her among and tamed. John still remembered the look on Arthur’s face when the older man returned, proud like he just robbed the bank in the middle of New York City.

But Snowstorm wasn’t anywhere in the camp, beside, John would know if Arthur already returned, he watched the road leading to the camp the whole day.

“He probably wandered off like he always do,” Micah commented calmly. “Morgan always liked long trips.”

“I’m sure there is nothing to worry about,” Dutch agreed with him. “Arthur can take care of himself just fine.”

John had no doubts about that, but Arthur wasn’t invincible. If someone attacked him on his way back, he could be long dead.

“I’ll go look for him,” he decided, already walking towards his horse. It was getting too dark for searching, but he didn’t want to wait till morning.

“You’re not going anywhere, you’re staying in the camp,” Dutch ordered him.

“He could be hurt,” John pointed out scared. He knew it was a bad idea from the beginning, why the hell had he let them go without him?

“I’m sure he’s fine.” That didn’t calm John even one bit. His gut was telling him something different. “Arthur likes to disappear for days and he’s always back in one piece.”

Hosea spoke up again. “He didn’t just go on a hunting trip this time,” he noticed. “The three of you went to make peace with Colm and only two of you returns? Arthur wouldn’t do something like that. He wouldn’t scare us after such meeting. He would come home.”

“Besides,” John interrupted “we were supposed to go hunting together after his return.”

“Maybe he went alone,” Micah suggested. “Or you understood him wrong and you were supposed to meet him outside the camp.”

“I understood him perfectly,” John snapped angrily at the man. “Dutch, let me look for him.”

“No, that’s not necessary,” Dutch stated. “We’ll wait for a few days, if he’s not back, we’ll worry then.”

“He can be long dead before that!”

Dutch ignored him and started talking to Hosea about the meeting, how strange it was and that it didn’t end with any buried hatchet but without a fight either. Everyone just left and came back to their respective camps. Everyone except Arthur.

John didn’t understand why Dutch wasn’t worried. He didn’t believe Arthur just left to go hunting. After meeting with Colm he would at least give some sign he’s alive and nothing bad happened, he wouldn’t even think about leaving the gang for a few days without a word.

Which he didn’t do because they were going to go hunting together. Arthur was always a man of his words, he never broke a promise, it wasn’t like him. Just like leaving the gang for good. That was more John’s style, that’s why he was sure those weren’t the reason the older man wasn’t back yet.

Something happened and Dutch wasn’t letting him check it. Probably out of worry, Colm’s man or pinkertons may be around. If he believed at least a little that he lost Arthur, he didn’t want to lose another son as well. Even if John was sure he would be fine.

He could sneak out and look for Arthur despite Dutch’s telling him no, but John didn’t do it. He had to trust their leader no matter how hard it was to believe in him when Arthur’s life was at risk. His Arthur.

He took back his night guard from Lenny, ignoring the boy asking him what happened and if everything is alright. Soon everyone knew Arthur never came back but no one was worried apart from John and all of the woman who didn’t like his sudden disappearance either. If Grimshaw was worried as well, she didn’t show it and just continued with her evening.

John spend the whole night watching the road to the camp, listening to the sound of steps or hooves’ beats but whenever he heard horses, it was somewhere on the main road, not heading towards the camp. With each passing hour he was more scared and nervously clenched his fists on the rifle, hoping that in any moment he will see the white mare among the threes, passing between them like a ghost, but the only one who came back eventually was Charles returning in the morning from a hunt, with a deer and a rabbit secured on Taima.

Arthur didn’t come back that day. Nor the next. John was losing his mind at this point because of how worried he was, he didn’t know what to do – wait a little longer or break Dutch’s orders and look for Arthur.

Even Dutch began to worry but when John, Hosea and all the girls begged him to send someone to look for Arthur, he still didn’t, despite everyone being willing to search for the missing man, not only John. Even Pearson wanted to go, he felt guilty of Arthur’s disappearance. After all, he was the one who told Micah about the o’driscolls.

It was the evening of the third day since Arthur’s disappearance when the white mare finally arrived at the edge of the camp. John was trying to sleep despite all the nerves eating him from the inside, when he heard Dutch calling for someone. John jumped out of the bed and rushed towards the commotion.

He noticed Snowstorm even though she was standing in the dark. Her white coat was covered with dark patches John recognized, even from a distance, as blood.

He didn’t come any closer in fear of what he might see. Some of the gang members surrounded the horse, all of them clearly worried. Form a far, John watched them lifting up a body and carrying it to Arthur’s tent.

He couldn’t move, his legs were shaking and he was afraid that if he try to move, he’ll just fall. So he stood in one place while it was getting harder to breath, he felt as if a rope was tying itself around his lungs. Arthur was hurt, maybe even dying. He wasn’t okay like Dutch was saying this whole time, he didn’t go hunting. They wasted three whole days on sitting in the camp while they could’ve had helped him a long time ago. John wasted those three days.

John never hated himself as much as right then. He had many opportunities to leave the camp and look for Arthur but he didn’t, because of his blind faith in Dutch, who he partially blamed for this. He blamed everything else on Micah, because it was his idea to meet with Colm.

It was never about peace, it was a trap just like they predicted. And even knowing this, Arthur walked right into it, because just like John he listened to Dutch instead his own brain and common sense.

He finally managed to move. With uneasy steps he left the camp and went into the woods until he was far away to be sure no one will interrupt him. Furious, he punched the closest tree, the skin on his palm opened and started bleeding but the pain was welcome right now. It distracted him from the fear he felt, but not from guilt.

He wasn’t directly responsible for what happened, but he had a part in it. Whatever happened, he knew he could prevent it, riding with Arthur for example, keeping an eye on him, whenever it would be during confrontation between Colm and Dutch, or during return to the camp. Wherever Arthur was attacked, if he only wasn’t alone, nothing would’ve happened to him, he would be safe and sound. Now it wasn’t even sure if he’ll survive. 

John punched the tree again and leaned against it sobbing. That’s why he wanted to be alone right now, so nobody could see him in that state. He wasn’t crying, but he felt so powerless and his emotions couldn’t find any other way out. He had to calm down before he’ll even be able to see Arthur.

He had no idea how long he stood there but when he returned to camp, there was only Susan by Arthur’s side. The man himself was lying on his own bed, casted in the lamp’s light placed on the table.

John didn’t go there, he wasn’t sure how he would react to seeing Arthur hurt, and he didn’t want Grimshaw to suspect something. His whole body was screaming at him to go to the older man, to see with his own eyes if he’s alive, but he had to keep up an act. In the gang’s eyes they’re friends, brothers, sons of Dutch, but even with all those titles, sitting by Arthur’s bed for the whole night was too suspicious.

Ignoring his need to see Arthur, he headed towards horses. Nobody touched Snowstorm, she was standing in the exact same place as before. She looked nervous and spooked, and she started digging in the ground when John got closer. Arthur might’ve tamed her, but deep inside she was still a wild horse.

“Easy,” he whispered to her to not scare her more. She knew him, he rode on her once, but he wasn’t surprised how nervous she was now. She didn’t look hurt but someone probably shoot at her, and even if that wasn’t the case, the fact that her rider was injured and she still had his blood on her was probably scaring the mare.

He cautiously stepped closer to her, always watching her strong front legs that could kill John with one kick. But Snowstorm didn’t attack him and listening to his gentle voice, she was slowly calming down and eventually let him touch her.

John patted her on the neck and stroked her muzzle, all this time telling her what a good job she’d done.

“You brought him home,” he said to her, looking her into eyes. “You saved him. Thank you.”

The mare snorted and nicked his hair playfully, like she was understanding what he was talking to her. John patted her one more time before he moved to her side and took off the saddle. From one of the saddle bags, he took out the carrot Arthur always feed Snowstorm with, and give it to the mare. She must’ve been hungry, because she ate it fast and wanted more.

John lead her to some hay and water and while she was eating, he cleaned her Arthur’s blood off her. Her mane, neck and left side was stained with it, the blood dried already but with a little bit of water and a good brush, John cleaned her nicely, all this time feeling his gut clenching. After half an hour the mare was once again one of the most beautiful horses he had ever seen.

He gave her a sugar cube to thank her again for bringing Arthur back.

“Smart girl,” he told her and came back for Arthur’s saddle.

Now he had an excuse to see the older man. On shaking legs, he slowly walked towards the tent. Susan was still there but John couldn’t wait any longer, he needed to see Arthur.

He tried to be as quiet as he could, but everything is always louder during night, Grimshaw heard him right away and turned to him when he came closer and placed the saddle in random place, too focused on Arthur to bother with proper place.

Arthur looked bad, really bad. His whole skin was pale, the only color on his body were bruises, some red, others yellow and purple. But what was the most conspicuous was the bandage on his left shoulder, all soaked with blood despite looking very fresh.

John felt his throat tightening and eyes started to sting. That’s what he was afraid of. He was holding on somehow so far, but now, after seeing his man? Arthur looked dead, John never saw him in a state like this. If it weren’t for his chest rising and falling, and Susan’s presence, John would’ve thought the older man was really dead.

“We’re not sure if he survive the night,” Grimshaw told him and bend to the bucket she had between her and the bed and which John only noticed now. Susan dipped the small cloth in the water and then squeezed it dry before placing it on Arthur’s forehead. “He has a high fever and the gun wound is infected. The Reverend and I done everything we could but now it’s all up to him.”

John clenched his fists and nodded.

Arthur was always strong, probably the strongest out of all of them. He couldn’t be beaten by some stupid infection. But even with telling himself that, John was scared. He couldn’t know if it’s not going to be the first and the last time when Arthur will be to weak. When his body will just give up.

“Did he said anything about what happened to him?” he asked with a voice more hoarse than usual.

“Colm and his bunch, who else?” Susan was angry and didn’t even try to hide it. If she could, she would shoot Colm if only he would show up right now. John wouldn’t be so gentle, he would first drag O’Driscoll behind his horse before killing him with his bare hands. “It was an obvious trap.”

“Arthur knew about this.” Everyone with half of a brain in their head would know this. This whole situation shouldn’t had happened at all and even if so, it wouldn’t had escalated this much if only John was with Arthur the whole time. While the older man would've watched the meeting, John would've made sure nobody was trying to attack him which was what probably happened. 

“Well, we can’t change anything now,” Susan stated and yawned. John immediately noticed this as his chance. “Let’s hope Mr. Morgan survive this.”

“He has to.” He was talking more to himself than to Grimshaw who yawned again. “You should go to sleep. I will sit with him… By his side.”

Susan didn’t even protest, she was too tired. With a sigh she stood up and let John take her place on the chair.

“Change the cloth every time it gets warm,” she instructed him. “If he starts shivering, call immediately. ”

John nodded, not even looking at Susan, he didn’t even check if she left, only listened to her steps. When he was sure the woman was gone, he moved closer to the bed and fearfully, gently touched Arthur’s hand. It was hot and covered in sweat, and so fragile John was afraid he could break it if he only grasp it too tight.

The older man didn’t resemble himself at all – strong and experienced gunslinger. Colm turned him into starved caricature of a human he always was and which John admired since forever. If he could only get this son of a bitch in his hands…

“Everything will be fine,” he whispered with shaking voice, hoping that Arthur could hear him somehow. Feeling tears gathering in his eyes, John squeezed them shut tight and lifted Arthur’s palm to his lips, kissing it softly. “You’ll survive, Arthur, I won’t let you die. Not because of this bastard.”

He sat by Arthur’s bed the whole night, barely seeing anything because of the tears in his eyes. Just like Susan told him, he often changed the cloth on Arthur’s forehead, sometimes after couple of minutes, and the he was back to holding older man’s hand. He didn’t care anymore if anyone could see him which definitely happened in the morning when Swanson and Strauss came to check on Arthur and brought some medicines with them.

At first, John didn’t even notice their arrival, only when Reverend touched his shoulder John paid them any attention and hesitantly left the tent to let both man work.

Arthur survived the night and, according to Swanson, he seemed a little better. He could still die, but the worst was behind him. John came back to the place by his side when two man left. He grasped Arthur’s hand again and kept the fever at bay until Susan ordered him to eat something and sleep because he was looking worse than Arthur right now.

John didn’t feel tired at all but when he laid down on his bed, he fall asleep right away and slept till evening. He changed Susan again and watched Arthur who wasn’t as pale as before but he still didn’t look completely okay. He won’t for a while if he even survive. 

He couldn’t imagine his life without Arthur. They lived together for so many years that loosing this was the scariest thing he could even imagine and it was so close to being reality. One cold cloth forgotten, one less medicine and Arthur will be just a memory that John would have to live with. A victim of Dutch amateur mistake. 

At least their leader felt guilty. John saw him walking around the camp with a tired face, but most of the time Dutch hid in his tent and talked only with Hosea. Even his recent favorite, Micah, wasn’t allowed inside which clearly was making him angry.

The atmosphere in the camp was tense ever since Arthur’s return. No one left the camp since then, even Charles wasn’t hunting so the only supplier of food was Kieran who fished for whole days, sometimes catching really big fishes. 

This stagnancy wouldn’t end with their death, but their gang couldn’t be inactive for so long, it would only be a matter of time before someone would be send to find an opportunity to get money for supplies or to go hunting for a big game so Pearson can still cook for this many people. If Arthur kidnapping hadn’t happened, they would’ve been probably getting back from their hunt right now, bringing a lot of meat. 

No matter how much he wanted to blame Dutch and Micah, John also blamed himself. All the time. While sitting by Arthur’s bed, he apologized to him for not looking for him. He hoped Arthur will forgive him, he doesn’t even have to do this if it would mean he’ll survive. John would rather be hated by him that lose him forever.

Another night passed without any problems. Reverend who checked on Arthur in the morning to change his bandage, said that the wound is healing nicely and Arthur will be fine. John didn’t allow himself to breath with a relief just yet. Arthur still wasn’t conscious and it was a bad sign. He didn’t want to think the danger isn’t present anymore when older man still wasn’t able to drink or eat by himself.

The moment she stopped giving others to other girls, Susan came to change him on his watch. John was planning to sleep only few hours but before he reached his tent, Dutch called him to himself. Charles and Lenny were already inside and were given orders. Both men left shortly after John’s arrival, they’re going to prepare for the hunt.

John got a job to do as well, but instead of food, he was ordered to get money. Dutch told him about a stagecoach that regularly drove in the area, always on the same roads between Saint Denis and Valentine, and supposedly, always full of money. Seemed easy, but John was good enough at his job to knew it won’t be an easy robbery. Not when the moneys are involved.

He was reluctant to leave the camp and Arthur, especially now when he was tired and due to that, worse at shooting, but disobeying Dutch wouldn’t bring him anything good so without any protest, John went to get his horse ready.

Everything was already prepared for the hunt so he just put on a saddle and after climbing on it, he forced Old Boy to gallop and left, trying not to look back worriedly.

He set up an ambush in the deserted area to have better chances with escape before the lawman arrive. It was hot that day and in the middle of the plains between Emerald Ranch and Valentine there was no shelter from the sun. The heat combined with exhaustion gave John a hard time when he was waiting for the stagecoach that he didn’t even care about right now. He was almost falling asleep, if it wasn’t for a deer that run nearby before realizing it almost run right into human, John would’ve probably missed the stagecoach. 

His target was coming his way slowly, protected by two man on the horses. The driver surely had a gun too. John took out his own revolver, covered his face and ready for robbery, mounted his horse. They didn’t notice him, he was hiding beside some rocks and bushes, not on the open space but it was only a matter of time before he would get noticed. He had to be quick and stop the stagecoach before starting a fight with the guards. He would catch up with it with no problems but he didn’t want to risk an attack too close to town.

Before the stagecoach passed by his hideout, John rushed on his mount towards the carriage, shooting two times near horses’ legs. Animals spooked immediately and despite the driver trying to calm them, they turned right, off the road, right into the rocky side. Before anyone could realize what happened, the stagecoach skipped on one of the bigger rocks and the front wheel fell off.

The driver was almost thrown off when the stagecoach dropped to its front. The horses were still scared and bucked with panic, not being able to run away. The guards who stayed on the road opened fire.

Galloping, John rushed past them with some distance from them, almost plastered to his horse’s neck to avoid bullets. The guards didn’t hit him even once and John turned behind the stagecoach to get some cover. He jumped off his horse and with one slap to his rump, he send him away far away from the shooting.

The driver, who composed himself after surprising crash, with a revolver in hand turned towards the outlaw. John was quicker and with one shot the head he killed the man. The body fell between panicked horses that only became more scared.

The guards were still shooting, probably hoping that bullets will go through stagecoach and hit John who hurriedly released the horses and let them run before focusing on his enemies. He heard more horses than just the two that were running away. The guard were coming to him.

John climbed on the stagecoach, surprising the guards. They weren’t expecting him there, they were aiming at the sides of the carriage. Before any of them could point the guns at him, John shoot one and slide on the roof to hide from other one behind the stagecoach again, this time on the other side. The bullet flew right above his head.

Getting rid off the last guard wasn’t hard. The whole plan went surprisingly smoothly, he was expecting a bigger fight and more guards. He was starting to worry the stagecoach isn’t full of money like Dutch said it was.

When the last guard rode from the left, John was already waiting for him and killed him before the man even noticed John. The guard fell from the saddle and his horse run away.

John didn’t waste any time and got to work, already whistling for his horse so he could escape as fast as possible. He searched pockets of the three man first, taking everything valuable but the main loot was waiting for him in the stagecoach. There was almost none protection, people who send the money probably expected that normal stagecoach won’t bring as much attention like armored one.

All he had to do was to shoot the lock and he got inside where there was a small box. It was hard to tell if it was worth the trouble. In the box there was only one hundred dollars, along with the loot from the three man, John had about one hundred twenty. Not much for such a big gang but at least it was something.

He took everything and hid inside saddle bags on the horse that waited nearby.

“Good boy,” John praised the horse and climbed onto him, quickly leaving the spot. He was already far away from it when he spotted three riders coming his way. It could be anyone, even lawman or bounty hunters, that’s why John put the hand on his revolver. He hoped it was just some travelers, he didn’t want any more trouble that would postpone his return to camp.

He wasn’t lucky today. Three strangers stopped when they were close. John done the same, watching all of them carefully. His blood boiled when he recognized one of the faces.

“Well, well, we didn’t expected to find one of Dutch’s boys here,” said the man on the front, one of Colm’s boys for years, that’s why John recognized him. “You’re not afraid to end up like Morgan? Is he even alive or did you find his body on the trail?”

They would attack him sooner or later, so John didn’t feel guilt for starting the fight in the middle of the road. He draw his revolver and shoot the man on the right and the one the left. He left the leader of the group for last. Two o’driscolls didn’t even have time to grab their weapons, the third managed to do that but John shot him in the hand before the man could even start protecting himself.

O’driscoll dropped the revolver and screamed from the pain before turning his horse back. John wasn’t going to let him run, this o’driscoll could be the one responsible for Arthur being hurt. Maybe he even tortured him personally, if not, killing him still will be a pleasure.

John started to understand Sadie’s hate towards o’driscolls. The only difference between the two of them was that she wasn’t lucky enough to have the love of her life survive the meeting with those scums. 

John rushed after the man who with a bleeding hand wasn’t riding too good, and his horse was slower than Old Boy who caught up to it easily. When their horses were galloping side by side, John grabbed the o’driscoll and threw him off the saddle. 

The man tried to get up and run but John was already near him. He tossed that son of a bitch back on the ground and forced him on his back so he could look into his eyes.

“Please, don’t kill me!” he was begging, but John didn’t listen. Even in normal circumstances he wouldn’t leave o’driscoll alive, let alone now when he was still seeing injured and barely alive Arthur in his thoughts.

Not listening to any more begging, John put more bullets into his revolver and emptied it into o’driscoll’s face until it was impossible to recognize it. The whole time he was shooting, he imagined Colm’s face or Micah’s. Once, he even saw Dutch. A moment later he shoot the last bullet but he didn’t stop pressing the trigger, wishing he could put more bullets into him.

John felt calmer after that, as if each bullet took with them some of his anger that was boiling inside him for days. He was still angry and he would gladly look for more o’driscolls to kill, but unnecessarily risking his life won’t help him in a long run. Besides, he had no time for this. Arthur was waiting for him.

He forced Old Boy to the fastest gallop, wanting to get back as soon as possible, but it still took him two hours. He immediately noticed the change in the atmosphere in the camp and his first thought was that Arthur died. Only after few more seconds he realized there was no sadness in the air.

“Good news, John,” Hosea told him, when John was leaving Old Boy with other horses. “Arthur woke up.”

For the first time in days, John breathed with relief. His legs gave out under him, he didn’t fall only because he was holding Old Boy’s mane. The stallion protested when he felt the harsh tug but didn’t move, offering his support to his rider. Seeing John’s reaction, Hosea patted him on the arm, assuring him even more everything was fine.

Arthur woke up, that meant he wasn’t in any danger. He’ll live.

“He asked for you,” Hosea informed him. “The moment he opened his eyes.”

John’s heart started beating harder after hearing those words, his legs practically carrying him to Arthur. He forced them to stay in place so he could grab the saddle and took it with him. Only then he moved.

Arthur was talking quietly with Abigail when John reached his tent. Jack was with them, playing with flowers he held on his knees, John couldn’t see what exactly the boy was doing.

All three of them noticed him after a while. Abigail left after a short goodbye and took Jack with her, leaving the two of them alone.

John’s breath got stuck in his throat when Arthur smiled at him. He looked better, still bruised, but he didn’t look like he was going to die anymore.

“I heard you were robbing a stagecoach,” Arthur spoke first when it was clear John won’t say anything.

He had no idea what to say, there was many things he wanted to talk about, starting with scolding and ending with talking about his relief and longing during those last few days. He wanted to yell at Arthur as much as he wanted to tell him he loved him. He couldn’t decide so he said nothing and just sat at the edge of the bed.

“How did it go? You’re in one piece but you always get in some trouble.”

John smiled. Hearing this teasing was never more pleasant.

“It went good.” He decided not to mention his meeting with o’driscolls or in what way he murdered one of them. “Nobody saw me.”

“Good.”

It didn’t sound like the end of conversation, even though Arthur closed his eyes like he was going to sleep again. John should let him, but after seeing him alive and after the fear for Arthur’s life went away, the temporarily contained anger returned.

“I told you it was a trap,” he said quietly, not being sure if he wants Arthur to hear it.

“I told you the same thing,” Arthur reminded him, his eyes were still closed.

“And you still went there. You didn’t object.”

“Dutch needed me.”

“What Dutch needed was to not let you go right into a trap,” John hissed angry, more at Dutch than at Arthur. On his place, he would’ve done the same and trusted Dutch blindly. He did exactly that later when he didn’t go to look for Arthur only because Dutch said so. “Don’t you think Dutch is acting irrationally lately?”

He had some time to think about it at night when he was sitting by Arthur’s side. He knew Dutch for many years and it was the first time when he was acting this way, so irresponsible and making stupid decisions. It felt like someone just suddenly replaced their leader with an imposter.

Arthur looked at him again, John wasn’t expecting to see anger in his eyes.

“What do you mean?” he asked, his voice tense.

John looked around to make sure no one else was listening, but every gang member he didn’t trust completely was far away, including Micah. 

“He went to meet Colm without any backup,” John pointed out whispering. “He constantly talks about money and even forbid looking for you. He said you’ll come back because you’re always disappearing for few days.”

“He wasn’t wrong,” Arthur noticed. John felt the sudden urge to slap him and put some sense into him that way. 

“I told him we’re supposed to go hunting and he still told us to not look for you,” John continued, raising his voice a little. “I’m telling you, Arthur, something is off.”

“So what, you think we shouldn’t trust him no more?”

John looked around again, just to be sure.

“Ever since we run from Blackwater, Dutch seems to be more worried about money than about us. I know you noticed this as well.”

John knew it’s not easy to accepts something like that. Dutch raised both of them, him and Hosea were like fathers they never really had. When someone this close to you starts acting strange, you don’t want to believe in this and you do anything to explain their new behavior.

He was sure Arthur noticed the change in Dutch, because he was questioning his decisions more and more lately. Not enough to just openly disobey him, but John could see the doubt in his lover’s eyes whenever they listened Dutch talking about some new plan that’s supposed to bring a lot of money but it always ended with bringing more pinkertons to them. First in Blackwater, the this damn Cornwall’s train and is man in Valentine. Everything around them was crumbling like the house made out of cards and Arthur almost paid for it with his life.

“He tries his best to keep us safe,” Arthur insisted, more because of himself and what he believed for so long than to keep Dutch authority. “He still cares about us.”

“That’s horse shit. Before Blackwater he would’ve send someone to look for you.” John was as sure of it as he was sure that the sun was rising in the east. The old Dutch would do anything to save his son, he wouldn’t even wonder if he was on the hunt or was captured. John couldn’t trust him anymore, even if it hurt. “It’s becoming too dangerous, Arthur. Pinkertons are after us, Colm almost killed you… We’ve got to do something.”

“Do what?” Arthur growled at him. “Leave the gang?”

His heart hurt when he nodded. The gang was his family since he was twelve, he would give his life for anyone here, but it was time to admit it’s not the same gang anymore. Everyone was tense most of the times, people started to draw away from each other and Dutch stopped being the leader they could trust. Before, being part of the group like that meant higher chance to survive. John wasn’t feeling safe here anymore. Not with the knowledge that the moment something really could go wrong, Dutch would leave one of them to have a better chance himself.

He really wanted things to be different, to have another way out of it, but there wasn’t any. Hosea was doing his best with Dutch, but he preferred listening to Micah, not to his old friend. It was just a matter of time before they’d get in troubles they won’t run away from and everyone or most of the gang members would die.

In the past, he would’ve gladly died for the gang, but he had to think of his family first, of their life, not about Dutch’s ideology that didn’t even fit their changing world no more. He need to leave. Him, Abigail, Jack, Arthur and anyone else who will be willing to do the same. Otherwise they will all die for nothing.

“Yes,” he admitted.

Arthur watched him carefully, not saying anything. He didn’t look like he was hesitating, but John knew he was thinking about all of this.

“I won’t leave the gang,” he said eventually, strangely certain. “Even for you.”

Even if he wanted, John couldn’t ignore the pain he felt after those words. Arthur didn’t want to hurt him, he was just afraid to leave something that meant so much to him for over twenty years. He only knew this life. Something really terrible would’ve to happen to make him betray Dutch, but John knew there is a chance for that. If he only try hard enough, he could convince Arthur to leave. And John was going to that for Arthur’s own good.

“This is not the same gang as before. Staying here would be a suicide.”

“Then go, nobody is holding you here.”

“You think I could leave you?”

“You already did once,” he said bitterly, his eyes filled with sorrow.

John went silent for a while, embarrassed of his old behavior.

“I left because you told me you don’t want me like I wanted you,” John explained for god knows how many times before. The argued about it from time to time. Arthur still couldn’t forgive him, or rather, he was still afraid John will one day leave him again. He was probably thinking about it right now. But John had no intention of leaving, not ever. If he’s going to leave, he will do it with Arthur. Either this, or he’s staying in the gang with him. There were no other choices. “But I came back. For you. And I’m not leaving without you ever again.”

Arthur snorted.

“And where are we going to run?” he asked with some difficulties. It was hard to tell it was because of the exhaustion or because he didn’t like the plan. “You think we can just forget about the past and start living like normal folks? That no one will suspect something is wrong with us?”

John noticed that Arthur wasn’t talking about their life as outlaws. 

“We could take Abigail and Jack with us,” he proposed desperately. “She could play the role of a wife for one of us.”

“And you think she will agree?” No. But he wished she could. If not for him, then for Arthur, she always liked him. Maybe they wouldn’t be able give her what she wanted, John wouldn’t, but she and Jack would have a roof above their head and food in their bellies if she would live with the two of them.

“I could talk to her.”

“Don’t bother, you’ll only argue like always.” Arthur sighed deeply and rubbed his tired eyes with his hand. “Your plan won’t work, John. We can pose as normal people as long as we want, but someone will notice that all those gestures between us are something more than sings of friendship and then, in the best case people will only scare us away, in the worst, they’ll hang us, if they won’t do anything worse. This isn’t the world for us, it never will be.”

John was afraid Arthur might be right. Even in their own gang they had to hide. It was a really colorful group, no one cared about the skin color, where people comes from, but respecting a colored people and woman wearing pants was one thing, but accepting two man loving each other like only woman and man were allowed, was something completely different. They were sure most of the gang member wouldn’t even blink if they would know about their secret, but John and Arthur never told anyone. In the past, they found out rather painfully that revealing something like that is completely safe only in front of other man like them.

It wasn’t fair in John’s opinion. They weren’t doing anything wrong, they should be punished for killing people, not for loving differently than the rest of the society, claming that God doesn’t want that.

Fuck God and fuck society.

“We could live far from other people, from civilization.” John could pinpoint the moment Arthur started imagining it. “Like Sadie and her husband. For many weeks, there would be only two of us and we could visit the town only from time to time to sell anything our animals would gave us.”

“You want to start a ranch, Marston?” Arthur joked, but actually, it wasn’t such a bad idea. John knew nothing about crops or animals other than horses, but he could learn, they both could if only Arthur would agree to leave with him. 

“Maybe,” he said with hope. “If you want that as well.”

“John…”

“I know,” John interrupted him before he could hear another rejection. “Just think about it. The gang won’t get any better, we need to think of ourselves.”

Arthur didn’t confirm it but he didn’t deny it either which meant he will do what John was asking from him.

“You better give half of the money you got to the gang,” Arthur reminded him suddenly. John was sure, he was asleep again after he closed his eyes at one point. “We need that money.”

John could agree with Arthur about that. He smiled at the older man and took his hand, kissing the callused skin there. Arthur opened his eyes again and smiled back, placing his hand on John’s cheek and caressing the scars there.

“I’ll come by in the evening,” he promised and got up, taking his saddle. “You rest, we need you.”

“Of course. You never could do anything without me.” It was another joke but the truth was the gang really put too much on Arthur. He deserved some rest, but not in a circumstances like these. That’s why John wanted them to live peacefully after living the gang. They robbed and killed enough folks already. 

Arthur fell asleep quickly, still tired after the healing. Knowing that he’s safe, John left the older man and returned to his own tent, putting the saddle in the corner. He crouched near it and took the money from the saddle bags, counting it again. One hundred from the box, the money he took from the killed man belonged to him.

Half of the money from the box should go to the gang, John always split the loot fairly and he had no problem with giving something extra, but this time he hesitated.

If he and Arthur were to leave, with Abigail and Jack too, and live somehow before they could find a way to earn money, they needed those from the robberies now. Fifty dollar was enough for one person to survive for at least a month, but the food won’t be the only problem for them on the road.

John wasn’t even feeling that bad when he hid the money in his stuff, making sure than no one watched first. Arthur was far more important to him that the gang that won’t even exist in some time, destroyed either from the inside or outside.

With the money safe, John went to find Dutch who was smoking a cigar on the shore, looking at the calm surface of the lake.

“How did it go?” he asked John when the younger man joined him.

“Not good,” he lied smoothly. Usually he wasn’t a good liar, but this time he was very determined to not reveal the truth. More than usual. “The stagecoach didn’t have any money, it was probably an empty ride. I only found some money on the guards.”

John showed Dutch a pocket watch he took from the rider. Dutch took it in his hand and looked at it, clearly disappointed because he threw it into water. John remembered the place it landed to took it out later. It wasn’t too deep here and it’s always more money.

“We need more money and fast,” Dutch told him before taking a drag of his cigar. “You will go rob something again. Until Arthur get well, you’re our main supplier.”

Until Arthur get well. And then he will deal with everything again – gaining money, hunting for food, for pelts. John wasn’t going to allow that. If everything go well, when they rob Greys and Braithwaites, with their combined shares from the robbery they would have enough to leave the gang before Pinkertons show up.

“Sure, Dutch,” he agreed. Next time he’ll bring more money to not make Dutch suspicious, bot most of the money he’ll take for himself and Arthur. Now every cent was important.

He left Dutch, very much aware that he sounded almost like him right now, but unlike the gang’s leader he won’t let money control him. He will take only what they need to run, not risking life of other people in the process.

To have some peace and quiet and maybe nap a little under some tree, John headed towards the edge of them camp, lighting the cigarette on his way there. While passing by Arthur’s tent, he stopped for a moment and looked at the sleeping man. We won’t be here for long, he promised, too scared to say it aloud so nobody could hear him. I’ll get us out of this mess, I promise. 

Repeating those words in his head, John fell asleep with a hat covering his eyes and a cigarette in his mouth, dreaming about better times that will soon come.

***

_And still life pushes on_   
_With or without you_   
_We've got to carry on_   
_Our will, will guide us to_   
_A place where we belong_   
_Know there lies the truth_   
_I am the believer who gives purpose on to you_

**Author's Note:**

> The song lyrics at the beggining and the end comes from the song Blind Faith by Dream Theater.


End file.
